All over Facebook there are groups on the subject of being drunk. “The awkward moment when vodka robs your dignity”, “Waking up in the morning hungover and hoping you still have friends” and “It wasn't my fault, the vodka made me do it” are just a few of the thousands of groups dedicated in the most common pastime for adolescents and young adults.
Lists and quizzes detailing and revealing what kind of drunk you are circulate the internet. The “Crying Drunk”, the “Horny Drunk”, the “I Love Everyone Drunk”. Throughout my years of drinking, the recurring tendencies I exhibit have become apparent and I’ve decided that I have an element of all of them, and I’m pretty sure a combination of a crying and horny drunk is only a formula for disaster.
So below, are the five traits I frequently demonstrate when under the influence of alcohol.
I am rich
At the beginning of the night I always decide on the amount of money I want to spend. That is how much money I retrieve from the cash machine before I embark on a voyage of ultimate inebriation. I tell myself continuously that I mustn’t spend anymore than that; that £30 is more than enough to get me drunk. My purse will gradually become lighter and lighter and I seem to become unaware that spending money equates to running out of money at some point during the night. Therefore, logically, I reach a point in the night, when my funds have been used and despite the fact I am barely holding myself up as I stand at the bar, I need another drink. At this point, one of two things occurs. 1. I frantically look for a friend who will accompany me to a cash point. 2. If I have been so foolish to bring it with me, the damage is inflicted upon my debit card. The latter being the more devastating, as my recklessness will only be discovered upon checking my bank balance the next day.
Honesty is the best policy
We all have secrets. We all have something that we swear we will never tell a living soul, whether it is out of embarrassment or because the information is not ours to tell. Some people are good at keeping secrets. The people who aren’t good at keeping secrets? Drunk people. And who just happens to be the drunk person in question? Why, that would be me. Now I’m not a complete bitch and spread around the things that I have sworn not to reveal, but “You know that first night we had sex? I thought that was a one night stand” is clearly an appropriate thing to say to said male, when he’s now been your boyfriend for 10 months. During the process of getting ready for a night out, I’ll sit in the bath and list the things I shouldn’t let escape my mouth; the next day I cross off the ones that did and pray that next time, the list does not decrease any further. Alcohol should have come with the warning: “May induce side effects also common when using truth serum.”
Crying in public is ok
One of the stereotypes in the world of drunks is the formally mentioned “Crying Drunk”, more commonly found in girls. Unfortunately, this is another heading that I fall under. A night can be amazing. Friends, laughter, dancing, the whole shebang! Then the ultimate sin is committed and, yet again, too much alcohol is consumed. All dignity and pride is diluted by destructive poison and any insecurity, jealously or anger felt in the past month comes flooding out in a sea of tears and indecipherable ramblings. You could be fortunate. You could be so drunk that every word that finds its way past your lips makes so little sense that what you’re trying to say cannot be understood by anyone. Or you could be faced with a lot of questions upon awakening the next day.
Everyone is my friend
One of the most common attributes a drunk holds is the illusion that everyone finds them as interesting as they find themselves. However, this is, unfortunately, very far from the truth. I often find myself cringing at the memory of talking aimlessly at someone I vaguely know, who I managed to ambush with my slurred conversation.
Luckily, there are three kinds of people you meet when you’re out, those who are less intoxicated than you, those who are equally intoxicated as you and those who are (somehow) more intoxicated than you. The former being the most excruciating encounters you’ll ever experience. Whilst in the heat of inebriation, that person is interested and listening to what you have to say. In reality, they are politely nodding along, barely responding, whilst in their minds conjuring up any excuse for them to escape the grasps of your vivacious word vomit.
On the other hand, we have the latter categories. Now, these are the people you want to converse with! They’re excited, attentive, reactive and generally way more fun to converse with. Whether it’s that bloke at the bar, who actually turned out not to be a complete creep, or the girls in the toilet who are trying to reapply their makeup without getting eyeliner on their foreheads, the chance of you gaining another Facebook friend is inevitable.
Everywhere is a comfortable place to sleep
When the night is drawing to an end, everyone’s funds are running low and you’ve settled in a comfortable area, tiredness takes hold and the urge to sleep is irresistible. That chair looks really comfortable to lie on; that bench looks really comfortable to rest my head on; that person looks really comfortable to lean on. This is, without a doubt, what I have become known for. No matter where, when, or how inappropriate it may be, there comes a point in the night where everyone sighs as I plonk my head down on the nearest surface to catch a few z’s. It’s all well and good until the time comes that everyone wants to leave or the establishment is closing. Then the struggle to awaken the beast ensues. Once this is achieved, I’ll then fall asleep during the journey home, whether it’s on a bus, train or in a cab. My philosophy when drunk seems to be along the lines of “When it comes to sleep, the world is my mattress”. I’d certainly make an excellent tramp.
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